I Can't Find Him

December 8, 2010

I can’t find him in my dreaming. Last night I looked, and I may have glimpsed him. He was there like a shadow behind his brother Dickon. Only because I saw Dickon did I realize that the other one there – the shadow – was probably Thor. Right now Dickon is the one who links us – we can only see each other darkly through him.

I’m not sure why this matters or why the current separation brings me sadness. I’m sure that there is a future time where we are together in light. So that is sufficient. It’s not necessary to untangle the current situation or to understand why this separation is present. It’s just story anyway and doesn’t have any more relevance than the news does to what is really happening. Worry and sadness and longing are ineffective use of resources, and I know this so I vigilantly detach myself from them and turn my attention to more productive and happier thoughts. Clear out my chakras, bring in light, and go on with my day. Often working with others who ask for connection, putting aside in my mind the one I love who does not ask.

You know, I’ve done this before. Almost everyone has. There’s the end of a love affair when the other wants to leave before you are ready. It’s not your choice, but you must accept, know it’s over and move on. There’s suffering, you try to move it out of your field and focus on other things, knowing that it will get better and your life will fill up with love again. With the love affair, you can cut your ties to the other completely. Or you can just loosen them and put lots of space between both of you for a year or two. Then sometimes, if you’re lucky and the other person wants it, you can find each other again in a life-long friendship. This is what happened between me and my close friend who I know, love and trust down to the ground of my being. As he does me.

With your child, the option of cutting ties completely doesn’t exist. Or at least it doesn’t exist as an option for me, and I don’t believe it exists for him either. So there is another resolution in store for us. Maybe I’ll try the plan that worked so well for my friend and me those decades ago. Put lots of space and light between us for a year or two and see what happens.